


Regrets and Hopes

by malecstozier



Series: 3B inspired fics/codas [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Fluff, Introspection, M/M, Magic Loss, Not Really?, Post 3x10, Post-Episode: s03 e10 Erchomai, Sad, drunk magnus, more like hopeful?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 12:46:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17828837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecstozier/pseuds/malecstozier
Summary: Magnus and Alec talk about irony.





	Regrets and Hopes

**Author's Note:**

> sorry???

Magnus had never intended on falling in love with a shadowhunter. In all his years of living, he’d been resilient on never being in anyway vulnerable to a shadowhunter. Especially not a Lightwood. The Lightwood’s- one of the shadow-worlds most prestigious and strong families. He remembers Alec’s ancestors- how could he forget? He remembers their discriminatory gazes, their venomous words that would no doubt harm a weaker man. The Lightwood’s had always been stuck in their ways, dedicated to hating downworlders and using them as slaves and in all honesty, Magnus had given up on any hope of that ever changing. He expected no less when he’d heard that Maryse and Robert were expecting children and oh, how wrong he was. 

Isabelle Lightwood; fierce, determined and passionate. An ally to the downworld and a loyal friend with a good fashion sense and killer boots. She’s the opposite of her ancestors- defying the Clave in order to stay true to herself and her beliefs. Hell, even Jace isn’t all bad. Put aside his cocky nature and his bad boy bravado, there’s actually a fierce loyalty fueled by love to be found. And from the moment he met Clary Fairchild, he knew she was special. Daughter of Jocelyn, it was unsurprising that her stubbornness often got her into trouble, but she always looks out for those she cares for and he knows no one as passionate or fiery as her. In all honestly, he’s proud of the change these shadowhunters are making, proud to be around to witness it, proud to call them his friends.

And Alexander. His Alexander. A warrior, a soldier, a leader. A lover, a fighter. The love of his life. The man who refuses to get up from bed in the morning without a kiss. The man who would risk anything- do anything- for those he loves. Who would blow up the very ground he stands on to make something right. Their love was something Magnus never thought he’d have; he’d pretty much lost all hope when Alec came crashing into his life. He never expected this, to have someone he could love, someone who felt more like home than the loft he had resided in for the better part of 50 years. Someone like Alexander.

Still, it’s not like it started off easy. He remembers with extreme clarity the day of the wedding. The moment when any hope for a future with Alec had gone out the window. “You have a choice to make” he’d said, knowing full well which choice Alec was going to make. He was a shadowhunter before anything else, and his duties to his family and the Clave mattered more than anything else. Magnus had expected more, though. “I wont ask again” he’d uttered, sick of embarrassing himself by chasing a guy who he’d clearly meant nothing to. Then, he’d sped away into a different room and allowed himself to shed a few tears. For the hope he’d lost, for the love he’d held in his grasp only to have It so cruelly ripped away. For the hundreds and hundreds of years of heartbreak- none of which felt worse than this. For Alexander Lightwood. A Shadowhunter whom would live a life of repression and regret.

Or so he’d thought. Then, the wedding had happened and he’d allowed himself to hope once more.

“I could lose my family, my career, everything.”

He didn’t regret falling for Alec, not one bit, however, in his drunken state he couldn’t help considering the irony. And because apparently drunk Magnus has no filter, he was forcing Alec to consider that irony. 

“You were so scared,” he’s pretty sure the world is spinning, and he knows he’d fall if he stood, and as Alec stands at the opposite end of the kitchen, cutting vegetables for some stew, Magnus blurts this out from his spot sat up on a counter.

“Sorry?” Alec knows Magnus is drunk and Magnus knows he’s annoyed about it. It’s rare to come home to a sober Magnus these days and no matter how hard Alec tries, he can’t get Magnus to talk. 

“You want me to talk? I’ll talk.”

Alec stops mid chop, the knife and his hand freezing as his entire body tenses. Then, he turns to Magnus, his eyes full of sympathy and understanding and he almost starts to walk over, then Magnus speaks once more.

“Of losing everything, you were terrified.” He takes a moment and laughs, though he knows there’s nothing remotely funny about any of this, he doesn’t know why he laughs, maybe he’s just that drunk or maybe he’s trying to get rid of that look on Alec’s face, the one that screams concern.

“Your family. Career. Everything. You said it was all just a game to me. Some fucking game.”

“Magnus, I-”

“Don’t you ever consider the irony? I’m the one who lost all of that. Ragnor- he was- god, you know how important he was, he was family to me, the first one who ever loved me for who I was. I miss it, you know? Being the high warlock. Not giving a single shit about anything. God, I miss it. In the end, I lost everything. My magic, my status, my family, myself.” He laughs again, because what else can he do?

There’s a silence that follows in which Magnus looks resolutely at his hands, not daring to look up at Alec, scared of what he might see. Anger, resentment? 

“Do you- do you regret it? I mean, do you regret me?” Magnus is surprised to hear his voice, quiet and defeated, which makes his head snap up and fuck- Alec is crying. And fuck, he realizes, so is he.

“No. I could never. I just- it’s ironic.” Then, he’s crying a lot more, he’s sobbing and he’s also laughing a little and he’s burying his head in his arms because he’s such a fucking disappointment. Here he is, with the worlds most beautiful and wonderful boyfriend and he’s crying. He could never regret Alec, the life he has because of Alec. Before they met, he was just a shell, a vessel of who he once was. Lonely and isolated, he wandered the Earth aimlessly, waiting for the end. Now, well, now he has something to live for. 

It’s a few seconds later that he feels a tugging on his arms and he looks up, only to be pulled straight into the arms of his love, the strong arms, the arms that are sometimes the only grounding things.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles into Magnus’ shoulder with a sniff, “I’m sorry you lost all of that because of me. Maybe it would’ve been better if you’d have never even met me.”

“No!” He shoves Alec back roughly, his tears only increasing at Alec’s words because Oh God- what if he leaves him? Then he’ll truly be left with nothing. 

“Please don’t leave.” He hates it, he hates how broken he sounds. Past Magnus would loathe this- being ever so vulnerable to a shadowhunter. He doesn’t cry in front of people; he doesn’t show his feelings. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He just knows he needs Alexander. His Alexander.

“I won’t. Magnus, I won’t.” 

Once again, Alec pulls Magnus into his arms and Magnus sinks into the contact, grateful to be held, to be loved. Maybe Magnus had lost more than either of them anticipated and maybe he wasn’t completely fine with that, but it was all worth it if, at the end of the day, he could still hold his Alexander, still feel that love that he’d been so cruelly deprived of. So, no, he didn’t regret it. He didn’t regret anything. It’d just take some getting used to.


End file.
